Journey - Childhood Heroes

Where to begin? There is so much I want to say but now it is too hard to say. It is easy when I joke to say hard things but when I am serious, I can't say anything at all. 

What has driven me to this place? A memory- a thought. The urge to reconnect. To finally go home. I don't know what came about inside of me. It was mysterious. It was life. And now I fear it is gone and it was just a lie. But it is not a lie. It is blood. 

What is blood? Does this blood really tie me to a watery fate?

I once wrote a poem about the sea when I was 12. I wish I had it here now, but I do not know where it is. 

I feel so cut up inside but there is so much anxiety and fear and I don't know why. There is nothing wrong. Everything is right. 

Why do I feel this way? 

I had these thoughts - these complex thoughts. About everything. About vulnerability. About strength.

How we are all human on the inside. 

I was thinking about the death of Nelson. I was thinking about it a lot. Why - you might ask I was thinking about a long-dead national hero. He was my childhood hero. I guess you could say I was captivated from a young age, but Nelson is not hard to love. Well not in the history books and not for his men. 

He had flaws. Who doesn't? He was vain but Hardy could love him all the same. 

He gave everything for his nation. He went down in a blaze of glory. I was thinking about it all. How tragical it all was. It was so like depressing to learn about and I was sad on Trafalgar day. But it is a hallow victory. I wish Nelson had lived. His Emma needed him. I am sad she died the way she did. I am sad his wife had a broken heart all her life. 

And I am sad that sometimes his letters were edited because they didn't think that the love he had for Emma was appropriate for a military hero. It is not right. Not really. And how the Victorians couldn't cope with his request to Hardy for a kiss. I mean the man was dying. 

He was in so much pain he wanted to be dead already and he wanted a kiss from the man he loved like a brother. Well as far as I am aware. I don't have any idea why he asked someone to kiss him. Their relationship died with him. Some people see it as a part of queer history, but I don't, but either interpretation is fine. I simply do not know. 

All I know is that Nelson was a human being and all humans need to be loved. Especially, in our darkest moments. I kind of wish we didn't know that Hardy kissed Nelson because I don't think something so beautiful and intimate should be shared with the world. How can we understand? And why do we read the letters of long-dead people? Is their love really our business? It is fine to know that Nelson was human. But was the rest our business? 

I don't know. Maybe the same could be said of all historical figures. 

Nelson was always described with the most vulnerability. To me, he was described as a woman. I am a woman. I was small. Nelson was small. He was sickly, well I was never sickly.

But I bet he was just average height and totally athletic and normally built. 

Why do we focus on Nelson's vulnerability? What is so compelling? I don't know. 

He saved us from Napoleon. Was Napoleon that bad? 

After all this time, I wonder?