Reconciliation

 

Why? Why not? These things get inside of you when you are a child. All those dead captains. All those dead admirals. All those heroes. It is inspiring- completely. But equally, they were people of their time. It is hard to reconcile with my life now. My life I lead is on land. I never went to sea. I guess one day- I just stopped. I think it might have had something to do with falling in love for the first time.

 Romantically, I like to think now I am a bit like a selkie. I lost my skin. But perhaps it just was another childhood fixation that had run its course. 

I feel so tired sometimes. So completely out of it. I try to focus and to work. I try. I know I should do more but I struggle to be motivated. It is hard. I did feel so dedicated to education once...now I feel the opposite. Perhaps sailing with young people will help me regain some passion. 

Social media gives me anxiety, but I am not weak to admit it. Or am I? I write this blog to give space to my love of the sea. I don't think people entirely got it on Facebook and thought I was having fun subverting my favourite naval heroes and other characters from history. Then my friend called me fixated and it kind of died on Facebook. People can be so cruel. 

I don't think loving the sea is fashionable, either. When I was a child I longed for adventure. I didn't long to be in front of a computer. Computers confuse me. I tend to break them. 

I don't think other people necessarily find it funny when I say things like boaty bro, or Lord Friggin Bryon- though my friend from Quakers who is a bit obsessed with Marcus Aurelius laughed so hard when I told her my name for Bryon. I guess it depends on how obsessed you are with history.